Based in Texas, Words is a blog by Kari Lynn Collins. Her posts explore life, mostly through laughter.

 

This passes as an official Christmas Card, I hope.

This passes as an official Christmas Card, I hope.

It’s Christmas and time for my annual apology because the card I did not send got lost in the mail of my mind.

 In other words, the only thing I have done consistently for the past decade or so is not send Christmas cards.

So for those reading this, you are officially on my Christmas card list because this is, in fact, my official greeting. And as an added bonus, I’m going to give you a rundown of my year, kind of like those annual unsolicited Christmas letters organized people send.

January

I decided to make Brussells Sprouts for the first time in 53 years - or ever, I suppose. I used actual fancy ingredients including Balsamic vinegar and stuff. It was awful in every single conceivable way. In retrospect, I got the worst smell of the year out of the way right off the bat. 

February

I pretty much stopped watching any TV news in February because, yeah. Print is the way to go, y’all. Buy a subscription to a local newspaper. 

March

I read the book Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess.

April

My stomach still hurt from laughing while reading Furiously Happy. Yes, I recommend it.

I also willingly took part in a solid three-day intense workout where I ran, jumped, sweated and prayed to the baby Jesus - all before 7 a.m. The rest of the day was even more intense. I was babysitting my 3-year-old grandson while his parents took a weekend away, and the child woke up at 5 a.m. and continued to up his game until 7 p.m. It was like a happy boot camp for old people.

May

 I organized my closet using the Marie Kondo method of folding clothes while expressing gratitude. I haven’t done it since, and I am thankful.

June

I accidentally did a full-blown burpee trying to reach chocolate on the top shelf of my pantry. In the process I pulled my Brachioradialis, which is necessary for elbow flexion. Luckily it healed before my 35th high school reunion, where elbow flexion is practically required

July

In related news, it was hot and I was tired, but I managed to floss my teeth twice in one day.

August

During an annual girls’ trip to Lake Bridgeport, I found, mastered and later released back into the wild a surfboard. I also “borrowed” an oar from an undisclosed location. Put that all together, and I found, borrowed and stole-ish several items in order to row myself across the lake standing up on a surfboard for no particular reason. I do something like this yearly just to keep myself sharp.                                                                                                                                       

Also, A book I wrote with Kevin Slimp, Haunted Places and Ghost Sighting in Texas was published. 

Shameless promotion forthcoming....

If you need a last minute Christmas gift with historical ghost stories that originally were published in Texas newspapers, we have them here at the Iowa Park Leader, or I carry them with me in my car. Also, you can still get one by Christmas on Amazon. Buy one or two, or several if you want.

September

The Internet ate the Iowa Park Leader website, and all of our emails. Among the other jobs I didn’t apply for at the Leader, but somehow got, was part of the I.T. Team and I am grossly under qualified. But now, I can add it to my resume along with the ability to come up with the phone number for the school administration office at will, which somehow became a marketable skill. I’m still, however, apologizing for the email situation.

October

I’m not old! I ordered an Uber ride on an app on my phone and the car showed up!

November

I said things I never dreamed would come out of my mouth, not the least of which was, “No, you do not get a toy prize. You do not get a prize for pooping out a pillow case.” Of course I was talking to Erma, my Weimaraner-Piranha mix who had recently dined on a pillowcase. Fun fact: The pillowcase was bright orange and our back yard looked like it had utility flags all over the place.

In related news, I ate an entire bag of Oreos in one weekend, then Tweeted, “Quitting Oreos cold turkey today!” which was true because I had run out of Oreos, except where I hadn’t flossed yet.

December

Finally. I got a full-sleeve tattoo this month, and I think you will love it. Of course, it was a gag gift at a Christmas party, but I look really dangerous when I wear it. 

Well here we are. I’m wrapped up in a fluffy unicorn and rainbow fleece blanket and sipping on some blue raspberry Mad Dog 20/20 (also a gag gift at a Christmas party) as I finish up my Christmas card to you. Obviously, I have been to a couple holiday parties, and they were fabulous, because the people I hang with are fabulous.

As are you. Thank you for hanging out with me all year long. Merry Christmas. 

Girlfriend, I made some resolutions

Girlfriend, I made some resolutions

Shop Iowa Park First at Christmas, and Always

Shop Iowa Park First at Christmas, and Always