Girlfriend, I need dish towels for my birthday
My precious, special dog shit a towel last night.
This is the glamorous life I really lead, not the one you see on my Facebook. I have not yet once posted a picture of Erma's poo, but I can see my life spiraling to that.
In her defense, it was a dish towel and only two-thirds of it because we caught her before she finished eating it two days ago in her din of shame underneath the coffee table.
This is not our first rodeo with this sort of literal shit, which is why I'm not blogging this from the vet. I'm calm as a cucumber because you would not believe the things that have come out of my dog's butt.
She has eaten so many things that it is almost possible for me to set a timer on how long it will take to pass. It works every time except for the one time it didn't, and that was the time Erma had beach towel string surgically removed from her intestines to the tune of a ridiculous amount of money.
Obviously she survived but never learned. She still has a daily craving for anything cotton, including and especially paper towels and napkins. She will steal those from your hand. Her last surprise buffet was the better part of a bright orange standard pillow case, which made the back yard look like the utility guy had been there laying out flags after about 18 hours had passed. (Pun totally intended) Other things I have found in her grassy throne are paper money, credit cards, socks and one-third of a pair of my favorite pair of fleece-lined leggings. That is just off the top of my head.
“What did she just eat?” is as common a greeting as “how was your day?” in our casita.
In my defense, the kids are grown and live far away. Our dogs, Erma (mine) and Maggie (Bobby's, and also the normal one) are our second shot at parenting and I am obviously the parent whose expiration date was around 2006, when the youngest graduated high school. My house plants have attitudes and don't listen to me.
I don't stand a chance against a beautiful, but dim, Weimeraner-Piranha mix.
Note to self: fold towels.
See you tomorrow.